Understanding Self-Compassion

The old saying goes that, “You are your own worst critic”. It is very true that most of us are hard on ourselves, particularly if we get even the slightest hint that we don’t ‘match up’ in some way – in our achievements, career or study, social standing, relationships, appearance, body image, financial status, etc. If we make even the minutest mistake, then we have a tendency to berate ourselves, and if we make a genuine medium or large mistake, then look out.

People seem to find it hard, and for some almost impossible, to treat or speak to themselves in a kind or caring manner. In fact, some recoil from the idea of it, like they were being asked to do something repulsive or painful. In this module we will look at what self-compassion is all about, why it is so vital to
our well-being, and why we are great at self-criticism, but struggle when it comes to self-kindness.

What is Self-Compassion?

To define self-compassion, we really need to start with what is compassion. The two are really one and the same. Compassion is an attitude that involves a certain set of feelings, thoughts, motives, desires, urges, and behaviours that can be directed towards any living thing (i.e., ourselves, another person, a group of people, a society, animals, the environment, etc.). Therefore, when we talk about self-compassion, we are specifying that this attitude is being directed internally towards ourselves.

Paul Gilbert and Kristen Neff are two leading figures in the area of building self-compassion to improve mental health and well-being, and these modules draw heavily on their expertise and writing.

Kristen Neff defines compassion as:

“the recognition and clear seeing of suffering…feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help – to ameliorate suffering – emerges… recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is” (Neff, 2011, p10)

Similarly, Paul Gilbert defines compassion as:

“a basic kindness, with a deep awareness of the suffering of oneself and of other living things, coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it” (Gilbert, 2009, p. xiii)

1. Awareness. Being attentive or sensitive to the fact that some sort of ‘suffering’ is occurring. Now
   suffering could mean some distressing struggle with emotional pain, mental pain, physical pain, or all of the above.
2. Normalizing. Recognizing that experiencing this sort of pain is universal, we all experience pain at
   some point to varying degrees. The fact that we experience pain isn’t a fault or failing of ours, we
   are not to blame for our pain, and we are not alone in our pain.
3. Kindness. Not shying away from or ignoring the pain, but meeting this pain with feelings of
   kindness, care, warmth and concern.
4. Alleviation. Focusing our energy on ways to alleviate the pain, which may be via providing further
   comfort and caring actions, providing a helpful perspective regarding whatever the trouble is, or
   having the strength and courage to take other necessary actions to address the problem being
   faced.

Being able to cultivate self-compassion can be a stand-alone approach that might address all your mental health needs, or it may be a helpful starting point to then go on and address more specific issues that are covered in other articles.

If you identify with being your own harshest critic, then join us on the journey from self-criticism to self-kindness…