Why People Smile When Talking About Trauma

What are the reasons for this confusing phenomenon?

This week in my private practice several different clients bravely shared memories of childhood abuse as well as anecdotes about the recent ways in which they felt slighted or hurt. As they recounted their experiences, which to any observer would be described as painful, humiliating, and invalidating, it was striking to notice how their stories were accompanied by smiles and laughter.

It was even more powerful to realize that this total disconnect between narratives and emotions went completely unnoticed and unacknowledged by the clients. In fact, when I pointed it out and gently invited them to be curious about this disparity, they had no conscious awareness of smiling or laughing. They also said they felt clueless about why they had paired trauma material with emotions that are typically associated with happiness and lightheartedness.

The reality is this is not an uncommon phenomenon. Smiling or laughing while disclosing painful experiences can serve several different functions. It’s important to process the deeper intention and the unspoken communication that often lurks underneath when appropriate affect doesn’t match the content. Here are some possible reasons to explore in therapy:

Smiling when discussing trauma is a way to minimize the traumatic experience.

It communicates the notion that what happened “wasn’t so bad.” This is a common strategy that trauma survivors use in an attempt to maintain a connection to caretakers who were their perpetrators. If they can downplay the severity of what was done to them, they can stay in a relationship with people who are important to them despite the fact that they were betrayed or violated by them.

Laughter can be a defense that protects the trauma survivor from feeling the depth of their actual pain.

Many survivors believe that if they don't laugh about their experiences they will connect with intense feelings of rage, despair, disappointment, or sadness. The deeper fear is that that they will be flooded and overwhelmed if those emotions are identified and fully felt. Feeling deeply is often associated with a loss of control. Laughter keeps the pain at arm’s length.

Smiling or laughing when disclosing trauma can be an indicator of embarrassment or shame.

It takes so much courage to talk openly about experiences that are humiliating and invalidating. Some trauma survivors hold deeply entrenched feelings of self-blame and other distorted and inaccurate thoughts about the role they believe they played in their abuse. Laughter is a way to communicate that embarrassment and can also serve as a distraction to short-circuit further exploration of their trauma experiences.

Smiling or laughing when disclosing trauma can be information about the survivor’s family of origin experiences.

Often the inability to access or express specific emotions in adulthood is the inevitable byproduct of not having those emotions modeled and normalized in childhood. When painful experiences are trivialized within a family or there’s an unspoken rule that certain feelings are unacceptable to express, children lose the ability to gain mastery over the full and appropriate expression of those emotions. It’s also information about the strong possibility that it was physically or emotionally unsafe to express anger or sadness. Many clients assume that it will be equally unsafe in the therapist’s office.

It is important to acknowledge that many trauma survivors have a genuinely great sense of humor, which is both miraculous and at times, life saving. And it’s equally important to be able to communicate one’s pain with emotions that are in sync with the experience so that pain can be witnessed and comforted, and authentic processing and healing take place.

The disconnect between words and feelings.

Despite the fact that they’re sharing experiences that profoundly impact self-worth, safety, trust, boundaries, and the betrayal of secure attachment, they often talk about their trauma, abuse, or neglect while smiling or even laughing. I suggested that this disconnect between words and emotions is often representative of deeper issues that need to be gently identified, unpacked, and addressed in session.

Here are some additional possibilities to pursue:

Smiling is a way to fend off compassion or empathy from a therapist.

When clients disclose something tragic without the appropriate affect, the strong message to therapists is, “Don’t take my pain seriously.” This can be a conscious or unconscious attempt to stave off compassionate responses that feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable to survivors. This is particularly true for survivors who were bereft of empathy and comfort in childhood. Kind words can be misconstrued as “pity,” create suspicion and call into question therapists’ deeper motives, or leave clients feeling too vulnerable.

Laughing says their trauma is not important because they aren’t important.

Some survivors use laughter to deflect away from a deeper exploration of their experiences because they don't feel worthy of that focus. Laughing or smiling is a way to say, “Let’s move on and talk about something else.” Many survivors don't have enough ego-strength or self-esteem to trust that they merit guidance, attention, and validation.

Smiling is a way to communicate that they don't have the tools to manage “negative” emotions.

Although many clients don't openly talk about it, many of them are anxious and afraid that if their feelings come to the surface they won't know how to effectively navigate and titrate them. In this case, smiling is a creative coping strategy that unconsciously paces the work. It’s also an important reminder to therapists that their clients require more resources for affect regulation before they can move forward with trauma retrieval work.

Smiling is a way to “protect” therapists.

Many clients feel protective of their therapists’ feelings and they worry that sharing their traumatic experiences might overwhelm, frighten or disgust their therapists. By downplaying their pain they are attempting to minimize the upset they believe they are causing. Laughing while recounting something painful says, “I’m OK, you don’t have to take care of me.’ Instead, clients are actually attempting to take care of their therapists.

In my experience, when therapists invite clients to notice emotional expressions that seem out of sync with their narratives, it creates an opportunity for clients to reconnect with genuine sadness, anger, and any other legitimate feeling that trauma evokes.

Shared from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201509/why-clients-smile-when-talking-about-trauma